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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27185077">The Love Guru</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/afflatussolace/pseuds/afflatussolace'>afflatussolace</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>where you go fate will surely follow [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Final Fantasy XIV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, F/M, Female Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood, Final Fantasy XIV: Stormblood Spoilers, Gen, In which e'lija tia tries to give alphinaud some love advice, Lalafell Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Multiple Warriors of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Original Character(s), Sort Of</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 03:29:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,339</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27185077</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/afflatussolace/pseuds/afflatussolace</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>E’lija considers himself quite an expert in the field of courting women. Evidently however, he knows next to nothing about the girl alphinaud has his sights set on</p>
<p>Reuploaded from my <a href="https://whitherliliesbloom.tumblr.com/post/629069338070171648/the-love-guru">blog</a>. For the ffxivwrite2020 event held on tumblr.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alphinaud Leveilleur &amp; Warrior of Light, Alphinaud Leveilleur/Original Character(s), Alphinaud Leveilleur/Warrior of Light</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>where you go fate will surely follow [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1971088</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Love Guru</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Prompt #11 - Ultracrepidarian<br/><i>"someone who has no special knowledge of a subject but who expresses an opinion about it"</i></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
</div>Alphinaud has no idea when he’d ask the miqo’te bard of the 6 man party of adventurers known as the Warriors of Light for advice, nor does he ever recall mentioning, even in passing, his growing affections towards one of the members of that very same party. But he regrets allowing E’lija to find out about his crush for the lalafellin healer of their group nonetheless.<p>E’lija had ironically been among one of the last of the scions to figure out the identity of the special someone his younger, far more inexperienced elezen friend had held romantic feelings towards. For a man who claimed to be an expert on the subject of courting and seduction, he certainly was blind to the longing glances Alphinaud and Illya had exchanged for summers.. or even the multitude of bashful conversations, the burning of cheeks and mutually tender gazes under a starry night sky.</p>
<p>When he’d finally stopped to see the signs however, there was no containing his excitement at the revelation. There was within his heart a happiness for his friends, and a sincere joy at seeing a pair of youths with mutually blossoming feelings. Buried beneath however, was something perhaps a little more sinister.</p>
<p>In an instant, Alphinaud had turned into more than just a colleague or an ally - but a younger brother in arms, a poor desperate soul waging in the wars of love. Clearly he’d be lost and clueless, with nary a clue on how to get the girl of his dreams - unless a hero, a mentor guided him. </p>
<p>There was no helping it. Alphinaud needed someone to teach him, and who better to act as his guiding light than the most eligible bachelor of the scions, barring the fraud that was Thancred Waters. </p>
<p>“Alphinaud. Listen to me. If you wanna win Illya’s heart, you’ve gotta commit!” </p>
<p>An alarm bell rang loudly in Alphinaud’s head, and every nerve of his body tenses when E’lija leans down to throw an arm around the younger man’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“C-commit you say?” </p>
<p>“Aye, commitment! A man’s greatest asset! Take it from me, you ain’t gonna get her to notice you if you’re as flaky croissant.” </p>
<p>His words reach the ears of yet another Warrior of Light behind them, whose arms crossed over her chest and ever deepening scowl suited not the fashionable far eastern garments she’d donned on. At any other time, Laurelis would have happily ignored E’lija’s antics, believing her time better spent in front of a mirror color coordinating her wardrobe for the 20th time that day than to get herself involved in… whatever it was E’lija considered to be ‘courting’, it felt more like flaunting than anything to her.</p>
<p>Her mismatched eyes almost roll to the back of her skull as she hears E’lija proclaim of his own merits as a love guru. She doesn’t exactly consider an impressive list of one night stands to be evidence of being some expert in romance. </p>
<p>She’d say to each their own.. but not when the man has his grubby paws on her best friend’s potential future date. </p>
<p>“First and foremost thing.. Gettin’ her stuff she likes! Girls especially would kill for sweets! So get her somethin’ like.. I dunno, a pixieberry pie or somethin’!”</p>
<p>His first advice in itself isn’t terrible, but Laurelis could still not help but to feel a tinge of annoyance that would press her to finally speak up.</p>
<p>“Illya prefers apple custard pie.. also, she likes spicy food more than she does sweet.” </p>
<p>“Bah.. same thing. Oschon knows Alphinaud here would never be able to handle the level of spice Illya likes anyway! Right, Alphinaud??”</p>
<p>The young man in question would agree, were it not for the steadily tightening grip of E’lija’s hand upon his shoulder causing him to grimace a little in nervousness. He doesn’t quite catch the little beads of sweat rolling off Alphinaud’s brow, or the way the elezen’s eyes swiveled and glanced over to Laurelis as if in a silent cry for help. </p>
<p>“Right, the next thing you wanna do.. is to play hard to get! You can’t ever come off as needy or bein’ too clingy to her! Make it seem like you’ve got other prospects!” </p>
<p>Oh mercy from the twelve, here we go.</p>
<p>For all his inexperience and lack of game with members of the fairer sex, Alphinaud could still call out a piece of bad dating advice when he sees one. He didn’t quite know if E’lija was simply oblivious to the true depths of his affections for his friend - an attraction and interest that goes deeper than picking up drunk maidens off of sleazy tavern bars… or if the man simply had no differentiation between the two. </p>
<p>“No way!!” The woman nearly buries her face into the palms of her hands. Misunderstandings on what Illya does or doesn’t like is one thing, but potentially hurtful advice is something she cannot handle. “That may work on some people, but you’d just break Illya’s heart and make her feel self-conscious!”</p>
<p>“Hey! We’re having a man to man talk here! This is none of your business!”</p>
<p>“It’s about Illya, so yes, it is my business! You don’t know a single thing about her, E’lija Tia!” Some love guru he was! More like the breaker of hearts, the wrecker of romance! Laurelis curses beneath her breath when E’lija tips his head up to pout at her, and it takes all the energy she could muster to hold the muscles of her limbs back from marching over and grabbing E’lija by the collar. Clearly her moon eyed ideas of romance lines up with his about as well as oil does with water. “Don’t listen to him, Alphinaud! He’s not got a clue what he’s talking about!”</p>
<p>I wasn’t planning on it. Alphinaud doesn’t quite have the courage to mutter his thoughts out loud, not when the tips of E’lija’s nails were already grazing the blades of his shoulders with a death grip that has left him all but paralyzed. </p>
<p>“’Scuse you, Laurelis! Who’s the last guy you dated before Haurchefant? You’re no expert on dating yourself, ya know? Leave the advices to the experienced ones here!”</p>
<p>“At least I know Illya better than you do!”</p>
<p>“D-did somebody call me?”</p>
<p>Alphinaud’s blood freezes over completely within his veins, and like a tree of the old world, he stands rooted still to the ground, unable to move or to even speak until E’lija finally forces him to spin around on his heels with a boisterous laugh.</p>
<p>“O-Oh! Aye, good timing. Alphinaud here was just uhh lookin’ for you!” The hand E’lija held on his shoulder felt more a death sentence than it did comforting, as was the light pat on his back. The dread was only worsened when he catches sight of Illya, her silken hair tied up into curls behind her head, wearing a lavender floral dress that cascaded down her sides, the colors and beauty in which was only second to the mirage of colors that shone in her eyes. </p>
<p>His heart catches in his throat, but he’s saved once again by Laurelis’ quick wit. </p>
<p>“Oh, Illya, finally! I told you it’d suit you!” The miqo’te quickly glides over to his side to tug E’lija’s hand away, forcing the other man to step back with a whine, before she turns her glance once more to the elezen. “Don’t you agree, Alphinaud?”</p>
<p>He can vaguely remember one of the advice E’lija gave him once about compliments, among a cesspool of other nuggets of tips that Alphinaud had never asked for. And despite the way his head rattled and swirled with the damning, awful advice he’d been fed from his own mentor in love, nothing rang louder to him than Illya’s voice, and of the sincerity that Alphinaud wished to pour out of his heart.</p>
<p>“Yes.. You look beautiful in that.”</p>
<p>Illya and E’lija collapse in unison - the first with her utterly reddened face hidden behind trembling hands, and the other yelling out a cry of disappointment.</p>
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